I want to be writing happy things; words of growth and strength, of liberation and lack of toxicity, all of which I feel in more concentration than I ever have. Despite their presence, though, the words just won’t come forth and present themselves. All that pours out is playlists and nostalgia, the longing for what once was and melancholy. I have drafts upon drafts of half hearted paragraphs, all first written with enthusiasm and the excitement for inspiration, but each one quickly trails off into something no longer making any sense. I’ve never known how to write when I’m happy, have I?
When I feel just about anything, I feel in extremes. I have bled my heart onto these posts time and time again, each poem lined with names of those whose faces still haunt me and metaphors embedded with Greek tragedies. I turn to writing when I can’t think straight and my words aren’t quite coherent. When I can’t speak, I sit down and pour everything out onto these pages and the pages listen back. The difficulty now, though, is I can speak; I’ve found my voice here. I feel more at home, more in touch with myself than I have in a decade. I can run along the mountains and scream my soul for everyone or no one to hear. I can care for myself first for once; there is no question of what I must to do to ensure another’s well being before mine. I can, for once, put myself first. I can breathe. I really do feel reborn, for a lack of better word. This is beautiful. This is beyond words, so far so that I can never find any to do it justice.