There are journals and canvases scattered all over the floor left from my 2 AM song lyrics and watercolor ramblings
and somehow, their disarrayed arrangement is art within itself
that kind of organized chaos
I feel like it reflects what my mind looks like currently.
Watercolored silhouettes with blended colors, all nonsense unless explained
Old spiral notebooks opened to one liner lyrics like
“Now you’re running around with girls who look like daydream versions of me”
and pages covered in hurricanes of color, each shade colliding
and pencils thrown halfheartedly across the carpet, falling into some geometric layout of the hallways of my mind.
I will move around the furniture until I find an entirely new configuration, one so new to me I feel I must rediscover myself to properly adjust
because that’s what I need.
I need to find myself again
to find who I genuinely am
when the lights are out and everyone goes home
when I am surrounded and crowded and drowned out
when I am heard and I am given time
when I am given love
when I have lost love
when I have realized the love I deserve, the love I need the most, is the love only I can give myself.
I will be rediscovered and reborn.
I have collapsed and am ready to build myself back up from ruins.
I cannot take help from others in this
not this time.
My foundation must be constructed of my bones
and sealed with my promises.
I cannot have another’s glue keep me together this time,
for it will not stick and will give way just as they leave.
I must use myself
for I will always have my words to make sense of my mind and my gentle hands to soothe my aching soul.
I will always be by my side.
It’s time I began to love myself the way I have loved others.
It’s the least I can do.