After everything happened, the sobbing continued.
I mean full on, ugly, pathetic sobbing
even when I didn’t think I had any more tears or energy left in my body.
My hands were shaking and I was gripping onto my legs like they were holding me to this damn planet.
They were shaking and my fingers were locking up and into each other, trying to find reality, hoping that I was in some nightmare.
They were doing that when we were talking, too.
I’m not sure if you noticed.
You were dropping me off and got out of the car.
I wasn’t sure what you were doing.
My stupid, blind optimistic part hoped you were telling me you wanted us again
that we were right together.
Instead, I heard
“This doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”
I looked up and saw your normally clear face blotchy and tear soaked.
Nobody has seen you cry, not in years.
not one of your best friends whom you’ve known for ten years.
I know that was supposed to make me feel comforted,
like you cared.
I know you care.
That just broke me more.
I brought you to tears.
I broke you, the same way I broke myself.
I called one of your best friends that night.
Honestly, I’m not sure why.
It just felt right.
He is also my friend and I just
I don’t know.
I needed to.
I spoke between whimpers and cries
he listened mostly.
He didn’t really know what to say since he hadn’t heard from you.
I didn’t really expect him to say anything.
I didn’t really want that.
I just needed to talk,
to let him know I don’t hate you.
I really hope you know I don’t hate you.
I spent the rest of that night shaking, sobbing, and screaming into my pillow.
We had fought many times before and we had endured difficulties
but each time,
each damn time we would try again.
Why couldn’t we do that this time?
I wanted to.
I wanted to so badly.
I poured all of myself out to you.
I laid myself down and handed you a gun with a silver bullet in the chamber.
I gave you everything
and it wasn’t enough to save us.
I kept hoping I would wake up
the sun would rise
and we would try
but we didn’t.
I still find myself hoping that same thing tonight
and I have no doubt I will continue to for many nights onwards
probably every night onwards.
you can see the sunrise once again with the eyes I can see it with,
let me know.
I am here,