Sugar Coating The Bullet

When you told me you still wanted to be in my life, I couldn’t read my own thoughts.

I felt utter sadness


also complete frustration.

I will always want you in my life but not in that way.

I don’t want you laughing across the table with my friends while I sit there, acting along.

I don’t want my heart to turn into liquid lead when I see your name brighten my phone once a week, one a month.

I don’t want to feel my muscles tense and my bones lock as you no longer point me out in a crowd.

I don’t want to keep listening to this damned playlist I made of Taylor Swift songs that describe my chaotic mind of hurt more than my own words can.

I don’t want to just go on pretending none of this, none of us ever happened.

I don’t want to act like what we had wasn’t so chaotically beautiful, even if it was for a moment.

I don’t want to be just another damn face to you.


I want to be in your arms.

I want to be the first one you play your new ukulele song for.

I want to run into your arms after not seeing you for weeks.

I want you to see your eyes light up when they meet mine like they did before.

I want us to grow together. I know we can.

I want to listen to the playlist we made together again and not hurt.

I want to add more songs to that playlist with you until eventually we are adding the songs that we wrote together.

I want you to believe in me the same way I did for you back in June.

I want you to give me, to give us another chance at this.

I want you to see there is still us left.


You asking to continue to be friends is like asking to keep the dog after it had been hit by a car.

1 Comment

  1. Arden, I cannot relate to this any more closely. I dated my boyfriend for three years and we recently ended things. I know what it feels like and even though I know how bad it hurts, I am so happy someone else feels the same way I do about “still being” in each others’ lives. Thank you for writing this post. Abbey

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