When you told me you still wanted to be in my life, I couldn’t read my own thoughts.
I felt utter sadness
also complete frustration.
I will always want you in my life but not in that way.
I don’t want you laughing across the table with my friends while I sit there, acting along.
I don’t want my heart to turn into liquid lead when I see your name brighten my phone once a week, one a month.
I don’t want to feel my muscles tense and my bones lock as you no longer point me out in a crowd.
I don’t want to keep listening to this damned playlist I made of Taylor Swift songs that describe my chaotic mind of hurt more than my own words can.
I don’t want to just go on pretending none of this, none of us ever happened.
I don’t want to act like what we had wasn’t so chaotically beautiful, even if it was for a moment.
I don’t want to be just another damn face to you.
I want to be in your arms.
I want to be the first one you play your new ukulele song for.
I want to run into your arms after not seeing you for weeks.
I want you to see your eyes light up when they meet mine like they did before.
I want us to grow together. I know we can.
I want to listen to the playlist we made together again and not hurt.
I want to add more songs to that playlist with you until eventually we are adding the songs that we wrote together.
I want you to believe in me the same way I did for you back in June.
I want you to give me, to give us another chance at this.
I want you to see there is still us left.
You asking to continue to be friends is like asking to keep the dog after it had been hit by a car.
Arden, I cannot relate to this any more closely. I dated my boyfriend for three years and we recently ended things. I know what it feels like and even though I know how bad it hurts, I am so happy someone else feels the same way I do about “still being” in each others’ lives. Thank you for writing this post. Abbey