It’s been a long time since I have written of myself, of how I am doing with life at the moment. Maybe too long, possibly not long enough. There isn’t really a way to tell.
Things have been rather grand the past week or so. I became a part of something I never fathomed I could/was good enough to. Motivation has come in many forms, some of which being professionals. I think I know what I want to do with my life, finally. The next step is finding a college that provides my main focus and my backup plan. There aren’t many schools that focus on acting and also offer forensic sciences, though.
Music. Gosh, I love music. I am not the best with words and I continuously find myself in music. It takes sound and raw emotion and puts them into something so incredible. I adore it.
I have found parts of myself retracting back into the 9th grade self I was before. I have clearly noticed myself being far more fragile and delicate. The feeling of walking on eggshells around everyone has come back, even though I have no reason to feel that way. I have noticed myself fearing hurting others so greatly (as I normally do, but one should not to this extent) that I have been folding myself to fit into a 4×4 box. I have dwindled myself down so those around me can have more space to live, to love. This is not exactly a good thing, but there isn’t much I can do to stop it. I don’t really want to hurt people and I fear that is what will happen if I restore myself.
I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. I sometimes find there are far too many hours in the day, but others I find there are far too few. Existence itself is so complicated. I don’t know how anybody is expected to figure it out on their own. I know I certainly am struggling.
Theatre. GOSH I JUST REALLY LOVE THEATRE. SO MUCH. I love acting and working in tech and everything in between. More than anything, I want to be performing for the rest of my life. Getting to embody a character and escape reality, even if only for a few hours each day is euphoric. I get the opportunity to impact other people’s lives and way of thought with what I love to do. I get the chance to make a difference. That is all I’ve ever wanted.